


I'm Not Even Sad Anymore (I'm Just So Tired Most Nights)

by orphan_account



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Guilt, Jealousy, Kinda Smut (but like solo smut), M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Self-Hatred, yeah sorry for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 00:52:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9942911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Wedge had figured out long ago that he would never have Bodhi in the way that he wanted. He had accepted it. It was just hard watching someone get to have what he never could, even if that someone was his best friend.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [attackedastoria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/attackedastoria/gifts).



Wedge collapses onto his bed, equal parts exhausted and drunk. Rogue One had been amazing tonight, far improved from the last time he saw them perform, and he had genuinely had a great time, screaming along with the songs he knew and fucking around with Han in the pit.

Overall the night had been a successful one. Good music, good company, and good breakfast food at Maz’s. Now that the night is over, however, laying in bed, the high of the evening starts to wear off and an all-too-familiar ache settles in his chest.

He would have to be blind to have missed the way Bodhi and Luke looked at each other all night, seemingly trapped in each other’s orbits like celestial beings here on Earth. He had tried his best not to let that get him down all night. At the show, he threw himself into distractions, moshing like a madman and getting caught up in the crowd. Because doing that helped him avoid paying attention to the bright look on Luke’s face as he watched Bodhi sing, and the glances Bodhi shot in Luke’s direction from the stage. At the bar at Kyber after the show he had quickly thrown back three shots of vodka, pretending not to notice Luke and Bodhi deep in conversation a few feet away, standing a little too close to each other as they spoke and smiling radiantly at each other. At Maz’s, sitting at an adjacent table, he had told himself it was stupid to feel a small pang of disappointment and jealousy every time he had heard Bodhi’s warm and rare laughter sound from behind him, no doubt in reaction to something charming Luke had said. Instead, he doubled down on his easy smiles, laughing with the friends sitting at his own table, and teasing Bodhi and Luke with lewd hand gestures whenever they looked his way, because he had always been far more comfortable cracking jokes than dealing with his own feelings.

When Luke had given Bodhi his number at the end of the night, Wedge had teasingly elbowed him and congratulated him on finally getting up the nerve to get the ball rolling between the two of them, pushing down whatever his own fucked up feelings were for the moment to share his friend’s happiness. Luke was an incredible guy, and Wedge’s best friend, and Wedge was genuinely happy for him, as much as it was possible for him to be. He couldn’t deny the chemistry between them, the smiles and stolen glances that were like something straight out of a quirky romantic comedy. The polar opposite of the careless way Bodhi had fallen into his bed in order to satisfy some destructive desire. Wedge had figured out long ago that he would never have Bodhi in the way that he wanted. He had accepted it. It was just hard watching someone get to have what he never could, even if that someone was his best friend.

Had Bodhi told Luke the secret behind his tattoo yet, he wonders. He thinks back to that night, when Bodhi had told him that he trusted him, and finally started to let him in a little, and his heart aches. He thinks about the time before that, Bodhi bent over on his bed looking so gorgeous and broken as Wedge had fucked him, and he feels ashamed at the hardness that begins to grow in his pants.

Try as he might to fight it, that train of thought has left the station. He thinks of how Bodhi looked tonight on stage, singing his lungs out. His toned arms in that tank top. The way his dark hair became a mess throughout the night, slicked with water and sweat. He hates himself as he unzips his jeans and lets his hand sneak past the waistband of his boxers. He bites down hard on his lip as he takes his cock into his hand and squeezes it, stroking it firm and slow.

His thoughts drift to dangerous places. Bodhi’s cock in his mouth the first night they hooked up. Bodhi on stage covered in sweat. Bodhi on his hands and knees on his bed. Bodhi’s dexterous hands on his guitar. Bodhi crying out desperate noises as Wedge pounds into him from behind.

Wedge makes a pitiful choked-off sound as he stills his hand from moving. He shouldn’t be doing this. This is wrong. Luke is his best friend and Luke wants Bodhi and this is a betrayal. What type of shitty friend jerks off thinking about his best friend’s crush? He’s breathing hard and sweat has formed on his forehead and neck as he tries to will his arousal away.  

It’s too late and he’s past the point of giving a fuck. He grips his cock again hard and fucks desperately into his palm.

He pictures Bodhi’s lean frame in his tank top tonight. He imagines himself pushing Bodhi against a wall and kissing him hard, hands claiming his hips and ass. He pictures Bodhi sinking to his knees for him, opening his mouth for Wedge to fill his his cock. How he would grab a fistful of that dark hair and hold his head in place as he fucks his throat. How he would come in his mouth and Bodhi would swallow it with a moan and look up at him with those dark eyes alight with mischief.

He groans as his comes and covers his hand and sheets with his release. He throws an arm up over his forehead, panting. He already feels utterly disgusting. He forces himself to trudge to the shower to clean himself off. As he stands under the scalding hot water he tries not to think about how hard it will be to look Luke in the eye tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> This work was inspired by and takes place within attackedastoria's pop punk alternate universe. Make sure to go check out her wonderful amazing fic "I Was Kind of Hoping You'd Stay" because it will ruin your life. This is just my contribution to the heartbreaking Bodhi/Wedge dynamic that's going on there that I couldn't resist writing about.  
> Comments and kudos appreciated if you enjoyed!


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